Just Because Children Are Little, Does Not Mean Their Problems Are Too
There is always the assumption that children live in a carefree world. But being young does not necessarily equate to being free of difficulties. Everyone has their own obstacles and issues to deal with and children are no different.
Akshara Rahate
As babies, there is not much for children to be worried about. All their needs are met by the parents or guardians. Hungry? Food is provided. Tired? They can sleep the day away. Want to be entertained? There is a long queue of loved ones willing to be their court jester. But, as they grow up, children start encountering their own set of problems and they are at a stage where they require guidance to overcome them. But more than often these problems of theirs are brushed off as if they are insignificant.
In the eyes of adults, squabbles with friends, or getting a lower grade than anticipated would indeed seem inconsequential, but for a child going through that situation, it seems like the most important thing at that point. It is an immensely false assumption that children have nothing to fret about. Underneath their childish innocence, their impulsive actions, they too hold worries, relating to their families, school, friends, about grades, their bodies, even the future.
They are still in the process of learning, thus, uncertainties of life seem even more daunting as they don’t have any experience in dealing with them. And in times of such apprehension, when parents underrate the gravity of what children might be facing, they invariably take away that one source of reliability leading to alienation. In simple words, alienation can be defined as ‘withdrawing or separation of a person or a person’s affections from an object or position of former attachment.’
As children grow older, the distance between them and their parents seems to exacerbate them. While some of it stems from their need to be independent, other factors are parents being critical, unwilling to hear their children's thoughts and opinions, treating them like infants while at the same time demanding them to be more mature. Then over time, there is less time spent together as parents and children become busy with their individual lives, leading to a greater emotional detachment. A study done on Chinese immigrant families settled in the US by Qin, D.B. (2009) showed that some factors that contributed to the alienation included the development of children, lack of time together, where parents and children do not have significant periods to hold conversations and bond emotionally; separation, where one or both parents might be separated from the child for a long interval of time; and language barriers, where there is lack of communication between the parents and the children.
All these factors are acutely present in today’s times. Development of children, while biologically is the same, holds a vast difference in the social and cultural setting that may hinder parent-child understanding. Lack of time together is also seen as one or both parents today are full-time employees, and children have their hours of the day filled with school and recreational activities and classes. The only quality time where everyone may unite is during dinner, which is not enough. In the course of ensuring children are well-rounded, parents are taking away an essential need for children — bonding with the parents. And with limited time spent with one another, there is a certain inevitability to increasing miscommunication as well as lack of communication.
According to Thomas and Groer (1986), high school freshman students from rural, suburban, and urban schools all stated “hassles with parents and siblings” as their most stressful events. And in a study by Price et al. (1985), some of the most stressful life events for junior high school students were, “arguments with parents,” and “being treated like a child.” (Matheny, Aycock & McCarthy, 1993)
For many adolescents, some of the environmental stressors comprised of family discord (Fontana & Dovidio, 1984; Omizo, Omizo & Suzuki, 1988) and peer relationships (Newcombe, Huba & Bentler, 1986; Patterson & McCubbin, 1987) (Anda, et al., 2000)
Once they sense a theme of being ignored, or their issues not being considered vital enough, they slowly stop coming to their parents with them. They start choosing to handle things by themselves or going to peers. Eventually, conversations are also limited to general and superficial things as they no longer trust their parents to be open-minded to their problems.
Another barrier in children approaching parents with problems lies in parents’ preconceived notions and stringent opinions. There might be some topics children may feel nervous bringing up, like taking a liking to a classmate, peer pressure to do something, drinking, sex, etc. And if they see their parents having uncompromising views, they would hesitate to have these conversations. Unfortunately, adolescent years are fraught with such thoughts and issues, and with a lack of support from parents, they choose to wade these unknown waters by themselves. Changing times requires parents to be adaptable. In times of trouble, it should never be the case that children fear going to their parents. Rather, it should be so that their parents are the first they approach for help. Our society witnesses this the other way round, with parents being the last to find out what ails their child, or sometimes never even knowing something was wrong.
As a collectivist society, Indian society holds great importance to the thoughts and opinions of others, leading to them having certain expectations out of their children. This becomes another obstacle in problem-sharing, as children develop a fear of acting in any way that strays from expectations would be met with negativity such as disappointment or scolding from the parents. A great example of this is choosing streams in high school and colleges. While the child may have hopes of pursuing their interest, like a sport, or a social sciences subject, the desire of the parents for their child to choose a pure science field often prevails. Even the option of having a discussion about it is abandoned. How is this fair?
This only leads to children then keeping their thoughts and opinions to themselves because they begin to presume it is of no consequence to others, which may even lead to them being socially closed off.
Parents who previously used to be the greatest source of safety and comfort for children, eventually are not even a last resort.
A 15th-century proverb states ‘children should be seen and not heard.’ In order to combat this detrimental outcome, the simplest thing parents can do is listen. Listen to their child babbling nonsense, listen to them chattering about their day, listen to them complain about homework or mean teachers, or rude friends, or even their annoying sibling. Just listen. That undivided focus shows the child how they are a priority in the eyes of their parents, how anything they say is noteworthy, and that they always have someone willing to hear them in times of trouble. Give them that safe space without offering judgments, because sometimes just having a listening ear is so much more encouraging than words of advice. It also becomes necessary to stop trivializing their problems. Parents might have left behind those troubles decades back, but it is a whole new world for the children. They need guidance, not dismissals. Only then would they keep seeing parents as a means of refuge rather than a pitfall.
REFERENCES
Anda, D. D., Baroni, S., Boskin, L., Buchwald, L., Morgan, J., Ow, J., … Weiss, R. (2000). Stress, stressors and coping among high school students. Children and Youth Services Review, 22(6), 441–463. doi: 10.1016/s0190–7409(00)00096–7
Fontana, A., & Dovidio, J.F. (1984). The Relationship between stressful life events and school related performances of type A and type B adolescents. Journal of Human Stress, IO, 50–54.
Groer, M. W., Thomas, S. P., & Shoffner, D. (1992). Adolescent stress and coping: A longitudinal study. Research in Nursing and Health, 15, 209–217.
Matheny, K.B., Aycock, D.W. & McCarthy, C.J. Stress in school-aged children and youth. Educ Psychol Rev 5, 109–134 (1993). https://doi.org/10.1007/BF01323156
Newcomb, M. D., Huba G. J., & Bentler, P. M. (1986). Determinants of sex- ual and dating behaviors among adolescents. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 50(2), 428–438.
Omizo, M. M., Omizo, S. A., & Suzuki, L. A.. (1988). Children and stress: An exploratory study of stressors and symptoms. The School Counselor, 3, 267- 275.
Patterson, J., & McCubbin, H. (1987). Adolescent coping style and behav- iors: Conceptualization and measurement Journal of Adolescence, IO, 163–186.
Price, J. H., Jurs, S. G., Jurs, J., Rhonehouse, M., and Isham, K. A. (1985). An empirical test of a cognitive social learning model for stress moderation with junior high school students. Z School Health 55(6): 217–220.
Thomas, S. P., and Groer, M. W. (1986). Relationship of demographic, life-style, and stress variables to blood pressure in adolescents. Nurs. Res. 35: 169–172.
Akshara is a volunteer at Margika. She is also a psychology student who loves anime, books, the Chelsea football club, music, and glitter. Not necessarily in that order. Follow Akshara on her Instagram page.
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